It was brought to my attention that I may be a workaholic. I decided to sit with this idea for a bit and see what in my life may have led me to act in such a manner. After much ruminating, I came to the following realizations:
Around the time I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, in my preteen years, I had various relatives make comments regarding my work ethic and what they perceived as attention-seeking behaviors. I missed a lot of school and various social events due to my health issues. These relatives decided my absences were a result of my laziness and need to get attention and sympathy. My parents of course knew better and attempted to shield me from these comments. Looking back today I realize that I internalized all these small comments. In internalizing these comments I have fallen into a habit of throwing myself into my work. It is as though I need to prove all those snide remarks are purely false. I push myself harder to prove I am not lazy nor am I attention-seeking through pretending to be pitiful. I know that I am neither of these things, yet I still struggle to shut out those voices. I work outside typical and expected hours. I try to be as present as possible in events at work but also in events within the community where my work may have a presence. I do not even notice what I am doing unless it is pointed out to me, as was the case today.
I will probably bring this up with my therapist at our next appointment. I do not want to spend my life entirely devoted to proving my critics wrong. I want to let go of those shackles and not become a workaholic in an attempt to prove my worth. I will grow beyond these old insecurities and behaviors.