I know it has been a long time since I sat down and wrote anything. I haven’t felt like my thoughts were clear enough to put into words. I’m still not exactly sure what to say but I know the first step is just saying what is on my mind.
In October I moved up to Maryland. It has been a wonderful experience for the most part. I love my job. I have a home with the love of my life. I feel like I should be overflowing with joy and vibrancy. The thing is though, I’m not. Everything is hazy and foggy. I’ve been off the majority of my medications for almost a month now. Working to finish training, become full-time, and get insurance through work has taken longer than I hoped. I still don’t have a clear date for getting doctors and such established. I’ve had to learn to push through and find tricks to keep myself functional. Still, I have days I fail to meet my own expectations and standards. It’s like trudging through knee deep muddy clay. I have moments where I feel so alone because I can’t see those who are near me through this mental fog. I haven’t found my people completely yet, not like I had at St. Thomas. I’ve only been to 1 church service since I moved. I can tell it is weighing on me and feeding my isolation. I have met wonderful people I consider friends, I just feel less comfortable than I want to around people. I recognize the fact there will be an adjustment period. I’m just torn between frustration with myself for not putting myself out there more and terrified that I won’t find people who I can bond with.
I don’t want anyone to think I regret my move. I absolutely do not, it was the best decision I’ve made in a long time. I don’t give in to the darkness that tries to creep in no matter how challenging that can be for me. I just need to be honest about my state. I feel lost but determined to not stay this way. I apologize for being so silent lately.