I’ve been lonely for a long time. I have absolutely hands down the most loving, supportive, compassionate friends a person could wish for, but I still struggle with feeling on my own. Not on my own in a good way at least. I’m good at independence, looking back I always have been. My weakness lies in not just building but maintaining relationships. Its safe to say my relationship with my partner has been my most stable and steadfast friendship not even considering our romantic involvement. I always say he is my closest and best friend as much as he is the love of my life. That friendship has been there for more than 10 years and grows stronger every single day. What I have missed though are the equally important platonic friendships that border on family. I’ve had so many of those bonds over the years but I feel like I have always let them slip through my fingers. I stopped reaching out. I never apologized for foolish things said or done. I let distance come between us too easily. So many things I could have done better and so many times I could have held on tighter. I came back home after college. Those 4 years at Agnes Scott were amazing, I had a community where I belonged. Somewhere I felt wanted, valued, and appreciated. I’d known the first piece throughout my life but the last 2 not as much. I’ve had a vague understanding that I was valued. That my opinions mattered and even if I was wrong I would be heard was a concept that as a teenager was completely foreign to me outside the core of my family and my close friends. More often, especially in certain circles, it was children should be seen and not heard or something related to my mere existence as a girl/woman. Likewise I has very little understanding that I was appreciated at all. I only knew when someone told me. In my middle school post I went in depth about some of the reasons I closed myself off from the world. I shut everyone out. I didn’t regret it back then, it was safe after all. Now looking back I feel sad. I absolutely would never go back and do it all again because I learned a lot from those years good and bad. I mention my past because of my present leading towards my desired future. I am currently trying to work on two skills that are slightly counterintuitive in my mind. I’m building boundaries but I’m also taking my walls down. I’m letting more and more of the real me come out from behind the masks. At the same time I am drawing hard lines on interactions. I can’t let my craving approval from some people dictate what I can and can’t do or say. I’m fairly good at speaking my mind. I’ve burned so many bridges that way good and bad. But following rules and meeting expectations thats a trap I fall into a lot. That is of course limited to those who I love most or admire most, more often both. It makes me lonely though. Because I do the same thing to other people that is being done to me. I set high expectations and expect them to be met. Thats not fair to anyone in the situation. As the Bard says “expectation is the root of all heartache.” I don’t know how to move forward exactly but I think I’m making good progress. I’ve found someone to talk to who gets me, like I feel really can speak on the same wave length as me. I feel really lucky and less lonely now. I’m tentatively joining a community of people again that I feel at home with, something I’ve not felt since the day I moved out of Agnes. I have always known I was loved, thats never been in question for me. What I have questioned though is am I appreciated and I am heard? I can scream into the void forever and a day but if the void never screams back whats the point. Self reflection has been an interesting journey to be certain. But it is sometimes a lonely journey as well. The question remains I guess, am I lonely? Truthfully even at the end of my pondering in this post I don’t quite know because the answer is yes and no at the same time. I am often alone, sometimes lonely, but things are changing and a new path lies beneath my feet.