Since the dawn of time our world has been built on bloodshed. We are often reminded that many times it was a kill or be killed world. Where once we used weapons of stone made by hand now mankind carries weapons with far greater destruction made by machine. I would like to say that once there was a time when mankind killed only for food but we know that is sadly untrue. Violence for the mere sake of violence is not a new practice in the world. People always cry out validations and rationalizations for murders, massacres, and even genocides, yet what claims made can ever begin to justify taking the life of another human being in such manners?
I admit I often struggle with disjointed emotions surrounding some instances of violence. I have spent my life in a military town. I come from a family that’s history is deeply interwoven into the culture of military service. So much so, that it is unnerving to me knowing my generation is the first in the family to have not a single service member in any branch of the armed forces. This upbringing instilled in me a mindset of serving your country even if it means your death. Now understand this does not mean blind patriotism. We were taught that the concept of defending against enemies both foreign and domestic meant to remember our nation and its leaders are not infallible. We have terrorists on our own soil. Hatred and discrimination permeate every facet of our society. We also have people who have not got access to the resources we may have, and that is not a reference to weapons. It is a reference to the fact that we who come from a position of privilege have a duty to lend our lives, voices, connections, and anything else we have to defending those who cannot defend themselves. Sadly I do know that alongside serving this nation and her people comes the loss of many lives. Soldiers go to war and kill those declared to be enemies. I am not so naive to think a war can be fought without blood being spilt. I struggle to condemn soldiers who do what they must to keep their lives, those of their comrades, and those at home safe and alive. I know the toll it takes on them to carry out orders, to take the life of another human being. Those who do not join in search of fun and sanctioned violence struggle with their actions long after the guns cease firing. Even those with great pride in this nation, who were willing to die, are haunted in the dead of night. I have seen it first hand.
In my mind though acts of violence that are not driven by cruelty or lust for blood are difficult to reconcile as heinous murders. But I also believe the act of taking a life to be a horrific act. It is difficult to not be in constant contradiction of my own beliefs. Such a contradiction arises in that I know I am quick to condemn people who shed the blood of others outside of the context of understood war and actual defense. War as understood to be attackers and defenders who have declared each other to be enemies and made a decision as governments to fight one another. However the one sided fights that some call wars, being ones where the attacker knows without a doubt the defender cannot fight back and has no chance of survival, are sanctioned murders. Those who kill another person for pleasure, power, hatred, and control become irredeemable villains. Civilians who have no system to declare national enemies should not have access to the weapons designed by militaries for the expressed purpose of killing another person. Now I say that single sentence in my hometown and I hear a loud outpouring of condemnation for my desire to take away the second ammendment rights of all people in this country. That scares me. At least there is a hope that war between nations is disputed and decided upon by the ruling body of law after debate. Everyday people, civilians who are mostly unvetted, do not need to have access to weapons like the ar 15s and ak 47s. We do not live in the wild west anymore. The Era of highway men, gunslingers, and pioneers is over. Even in that era those men and women had no right to kill for the reasons they did namely greed. Desire for money and lust for territory they had no right to led numerous people to take the lives of those who had what these people wanted. Thousands if not millions of native Americans lost their lives to the citizens of a fledgling nation hellbent on expansion. People are always willing to kill those they consider to have less value than themselves. Colonists and later those called Settlers believed themselves to be above the natives of every land they sought to conquer in this world. Horrifically even after the people conquered were subdued their suffering did not end. Native Americans were displaced from their homes and forced into living on so called reservations. Africans were kidnapped from their homes and forced into slavery, a life of misery and suffering. The acts committed when looked back on can be seen as preludes to the horrors of the death camps of world War 2. It is important to remember that these death camps were not the first mass genocide. That has been a historically common means of suppressing populations deemed problematic.
My stomach churns as I think on recent events. Mass shootings happen so frequently now some never even make national headlines. Many say they are repulsed and shocked by events but nothing has changed. In the 1980s a town in Britain was besieged by a lone gunman who slaughtered 16 people including his own mother. In the aftermath, as an attempt to prevent such a mass loss of life Britain cracked down on gun ownership. Bans of semiautomatic weapons were immediately established. The laws providing legal access of guns were made stricter. This shooting, committed by a man the same age as me, remains one of the highest body counts of its kind in Britain. Even Australia, a nation with a similar nature to the US, enacted stricter gun laws in hopes of preventing mass shootings when faced with such a crisis. We in the US are different. I say this with deep sadness. We do not have a culture that puts the safety of all citizens as priority over the desires of the individual.
I am left begging God for answers to so many questions. Why, in all that is holy, do people need automatic weapons or even semiautomatic? Who outside of a soldier should be so prepared to kill? What is so valuable to necessitate such destructive weapons? Why is control of weapons not considered reasonable for civilians? Heck you can’t just take anything on or off a military base, so why should people be allowed to do so amongst the majority of the population? I don’t understand it.
Even if the questions I have surrounding access to such brutal weapons were answered in a sensible manner I am still plagued by the reasons people think they have the justification to take someone else’s life. I can honestly say that I have a far greater fear of the KKK and other white supremacist organizations than I do any gang. Perhaps it is because I grew up in Georgia. A state with deep roots in racial violence against everyone who isn’t white. Around here claiming to be Christian is nearly as important as a person’s race, particularly being protestant Christian. I am both white and technically a protestant Christian. I say technically because the Christianity I believe in stands resolutely against the beliefs and principles of the white supremacy movement and indeed against all forms of hate and discrimination. With that in mind, that I have the 2 qualities that aren’t targeted by such violent organizations, one might wonder why I am so afraid. What do I need to worry about if I am not visibly a person who would be targeted? It comes back to a sense of duty and love to protect those who are at risk. I have more friends who are visibly targetable simply for race and religion than I do those who could live under the radar. I would sooner die than see anything happen to them. But every single day my worry only seems to grow and have more weight. Shootings driven by these principles of anyone not white and not white Christian is a danger and must be eliminated are so frequent I constantly dread to check the news and social media. I wonder how long it will be before I can name a victim as someone I knew personally. On top of that there are those targeted for their sexuality. More than 75% of my friends are out as LGBTQ+. They are also targets, ones that horrifically are even more at risk. How long before they too are hurt or even killed for who they LOVE? Everything that drives mass shootings baffles me. The reactions of the public baffle me. The portrayal of the murderers baffle me. I just can’t wrap my brain around any of it!
The more things happen, the more worried I get, it all builds up my rage. Everyone has a flight or fight instinct according to psychology. Ironically for someone who is as hopelessly physically weak as I am my instinct is to fight. I’ve never been one to run from a fight. I get mad, I step in, and I lash out. But of course due to my lack of physical capability in any capacity I rely on words to fight back. Still as of late I find myself lost for words. What can I say that will help defend against such reckless hate and violence? What can I do? I would give my life for my loved ones without a second thought but I doubt my death would make any difference. I refuse to own a gun for many reasons. My mental illness being the prime example. People might criticize my reluctance as it can be seen as conflicting with my desire to defend and protect. But I ask why should I, we live in the 21st century. We have made incredible strides in technology aside from weapon design. Why do we need to resort back to the practices of shedding blood in this age? Why is the past denied and the future painted in blood? How are we any better than the ancients who sacrificed people to appease the gods? Its ridiculous because in some ways it feels as though at least their sacrifices were for the good of the community. Who then benefits from the deaths of those sacrificed? What deity within the darkest reaches of the soul do people long to appease and find favor with? It is certainly not the favor of the Christ I believe in. These deaths are not in the hope of bringing rain, better harvest, or any of the needs of the community. I see no good in the murders, massacres, and genocides happening at nearly a daily rate. This lifetime in an era where life should be improving for the masses has seen tremendous senseless death and loss. We have seen war, terrorism, and so many horrors in my lifetime alone. Far more has been seen by the elders in this world.
I’ve rambled a lot but at the end of it all I am still hopelessly, well, hopeless. I have no answers. I have no understanding. Even within my own thoughts I cannot agree on certain things. I believe in having an large military but I believe in strict control of guns namely those created intently to kill people. I am angered by injustice and horrified by unjustifiable killing. I am sick and tired of history being ignored to the point of erasure. We are not only doomed to repeat it, at this point we are repeating it. With all of this in my mind I am lost as to what I can do. I certainly want to do everything in my power. I am willing to give my all. Yet I don’t want to overshadow those who need to be heard far louder than myself. I have my reasons for fighting and I cannot think of any that are for my own sake and safety. But I am one person looking out at waves of hatred, discrimination, and destruction. Would my efforts be more than a single drop in the ocean? Of course even if the answer is no I am not deterred from standing up against all of these things. I just wish I knew where I can best be of service.