If I am being honest with myself the act of asking for help is perhaps the greatest of all my weaknesses. I do not understand why I struggle so much to do so. I know for certain that it is not because I believe I know all and am capable of doing everything myself. When I know I should ask for help I feel an overwhelming sense of fear wash over me. It is almost as if I am afraid to disappoint people by showing my inability to overcome on my own. Disappointment may not even be the right concept, perhaps it is instead I fear being judged and ridiculed for needing help.
The concept of “suck it up and just keep going” echoes in my mind at all times. My parents never said this to me, in fact they encouraged me to ask for help and admit if I couldn’t do something on my own. Yet I cannot shut out the voices of the ones who did, who claimed to love me and want the best for me. No matter how many times my therapist and support network tell me that the voices are wrong, I struggle to believe them. I fall back into this cage of self doubt and self imposed isolation.
How can I be the strong one when I don’t have the strength to carry even myself some days? How do I let go of the crippling doubts and shame I feel each time I try to ask for help?
When my mind is constantly telling me that to do so is selfish, that it makes me weak and worst of all a burden to society, asking for help becomes a nearly insurmountable undertaking. Of course on a day like today when I know I need some form of help but I don’t even know what that help is, I feel even more lost. How can I ask for help not knowing what I need?
All in all it’s very overwhelming. I just noticed I essentially asked for help throughout this post. To need help with needing help, such a dizzying concept.