Today is my 30th birthday. A day that should be filled with joy and excitement. But alas I am currently confined to my bed. For a full week now I have been having nearly constant allergic reactions that may or may not actually be allergic reactions. So much is unclear. At first I was frustrated that I was missing work, but now I am just afraid. I can’t explain what exactly my fear is, perhaps that an answer will not be found, perhaps that by getting sick I am letting people who rely on me, but most of all I fear that perhaps I am loosing my mind – that these reactions are not environmental or a sign of some underlying new or surfaced condition but that my brain has decided to go haywire. I know these are all just intrusive thoughts, that even though the doctors are stumped they do believe and can visibly tell that something is wrong within my body. All I can do is wait patiently, pray, and stay away from everything.
I like to think that beginning my 30s with such a trial means the rest of the next decade will be smoother. I started my very life fighting and it hasn’t stopped but I have always faced things head on without hiding from the reality in which I find myself. This will continue to be my methodology for getting through all life throws at me. In truth 30 feels no different from 29. I’ve accomplished another year around the sun. I’ve had 2 jobs, started a business, and developed some amazing friendships.
As part of starting another year of my life, this is my new years day. Therefore I will set some goals for the upcoming year. I want to continue growing Wandering Lane Whimsies. It has been the most fulfilling and thrilling creative outlet I have had for a long time. It brings me joy to see others love my creations as much as I do. No matter what happens moving forward that will be where I can fall back to – once I’m back on my feet. I want to get healthier, I cannot do everything I want in my current state. I may never be able to do things that folks without disabilities can but that doesn’t mean I can’t thrive. Lastly I want to continue finding joy even amongst the chaos and fear. My sister in law said something that really resonated with me, if my current condition can be solved tomorrow that would be great but if I continue to stump doctors I may end up in a medical journal cementing my life’s impact in perpetuity. Even if we were serious it lightened my mood immensely. This is important to keeping my spirits lifted.
So here’s to 30, may it get better than it is starting!