In the last 11 days I have attempted to write roughly 20 different posts. It feels as though I can’t find the right words to say what I’m thinking. Mom is still in the hospital. She has been in since the 3rd. She is also is still on the ventilator, this marks day 8. Daddy is maintaining a constant vigil for as long as the hospital allows him to remain by her side or in the waiting room. I can’t imagine the pain he is enduring. He says that it is similar to when he had to watch over us in NICU as babies. He was younger then than I am now. He and Mama have strength beyond my comprehension. While he devotes all of himself to her care, as an incredible husband does, I am holding down the fort and running communications. I find my tasks comforting. They are accomplishable. I can feed the cats and dogs. I can write out clear updates and answer questions. Although I admit I have no clue how to ask for help or what to ask for if I did. Through all of this I am trying to balance my own medical appointments, my job, and my mental health.
In my line of work I listen to other people’s lives, every facet of the human experience. Usually it’s not a big deal and I can do my job to my personal standard. This week has been different. It’s hard to focus when I am constantly thinking about the family, about Mama.
I’ve hardly been sleeping even with all of my medications and the occasional Xanax, as needed of course. I don’t know why but rest is hard to come by lately. When I do sleep it’s short bursts and I wake up with night sweats and labored breathing. Nimbus and Richie are doing their best to look after me and comfort me. I know I’m grinding my teeth, poor Dr. Scott has it rough taking care of my teeth. I am flailing more. I managed to hit my elbow on the wall, the one in the brace. I wake up more tired than when I laid down.
Mentally I don’t even know how I am doing anymore. I do a lot of things on autopilot. I have panic attacks every few hours. But I also try to push all of that to the side and keep my shoulders squared handling everything. If you’ve seen Encanto I feel like Louisa. Surface pressure is my theme song some days. Admittedly it’s more emotional strength than physical but the sentiment is accurate. I am doing my best to not even think about what the future could be with Mama. I am determined to focus on getting through each moment as it comes. I know I’m strong, Mama has always said so.
So I’m exhausted, trying to balance everything and look after myself. It’s so much easier to focus on everyone else and push myself aside. I don’t know how to ask for help and I keep telling myself and everyone I can handle it. Honestly though I don’t know what I’m doing. Still I will not falter. I will be the strength of this family. Nothing will keep me from taking care of what needs to be done.